whatjingles

I'm in that place right now where i am not sure where i am or where i need to be.
i'm trying to figure out who i am and what i believe and who i can become.
i'm working to not be so upset all the time and stop crying and missing people.
i'm figuring out that it is ok to feel alone but it is also ok just to smile.
i'm remembering that i am loved by family and old friends and new friends.
i'm surrounded by people that would care if i shared with them my problems.
i'm wanting to open up and feel confident and positive and motivated.

or maybe i just need to suffer and feel so wretched and alone to finally
get up and get over it?

the fact that i have no money means i am not "buying" anyones friendship.
the fact that i live with four girls means i can only find alone time on weekends.
the fact that i am working all of the time means i should feel useful.
the fact that i have already "screwed up" out here means i should give in.
the fact that i am on the verge of tears all of the time means something is wrong.
the fact that i haven't quit smoking means i have no self-control.
the fact that i don't want to be here at all means that i didn't listen.


for the first time in my life (true or not) i finally felt loved and secure
around everyone i saw everyday. i felt welcomed and busy and not tied down.
i felt great and was smiling most of the time and i feel like i flushed that
down the toilet. i feel like moving was the stupidest thing i have done.
and i am filled with regret and confusion and loneliness. everyone said "you'll
make tons of friends and have such an awesome time" well i'm not in chicago
i am in a small-ass suburb just like byron center a 1/2 hour south of chicago
and they are all sheltered in their christian reformed bubble. i want out.

i am a liar.


not on purpose. now, don't get me wrong [i don't make up things that have happened but i have recalled a story or two wrong because the liquor fogs the memory a little] i am a liar because i keep claiming to be doing things in my future that i may never do. if truth were told i may be here for another 1 1/2 years. i may never go to college again, i may never find a boyfriend, i may never find a roommate or an affordable apartment anywhere. i may never fully accept myself for who i have become.

lose weight, get a date, make a friend, be able to stand up for myself, say "no" to pressure or fake obligation. advice is great but where will it get me if i am the weakest person my friends will never know.




i remember crying myself to sleep through school in the past years because i had no one to talk to. i have strived to become what i need in others.
no that doesn't even make sense. i have tried to be a great listener (when i'm not interrupting) because more than anything i need someone to hear me out and not stick sexual innuendos in or make me feel judged. why is it so hard for people to just accept that i am a christian. just once to not have someone around me scoff because i make a "God-related" comment. i don't scoff at you because you're throwing in my face that your belief is opposite of mine. i accept you and i will hear you out regardless. and i will continue to do so until you all have drained me and i can't keep that stupid smile on my face anymore. its been hard but its not getting easier the more i'm around. i'm getting drained

alright i guess if one leaves for two weeks
people sell things, friendships end,
illness arrives, habits form,
things are neglected and abused.

don't get me wrong i understand that only
means life continues without me. but a phone
call wouldn't hurt anyone right?

well, i'm home now and the updates are just
rolling in.


as for me? my big deep dark secret other than
having no idea as to how this livejournal works
and not knowing who anyone is?









what if i didn't leave for chicago? what if i
got an apartment in grand rapids and started
an internship?

if you can't tell, i've done a lot of thinking
over the past two weeks and things didn't
suddenly clear up for me. nor was my future
revealed. i guess i'll have to take it one
day at a time and continue to keep my cheesy
grin on my face. life honestly isn't that bad
if you stay optimistic and have the right goals.